Aug 18, 2025 7 min read Article

Why Your Anger Might Be More Dangerous Than You Think

The question isn't whether we'll face conflict and anger. We will. The question is: Will we let those challenges drive us toward greater Christlikeness and deeper community? Or will we let them harden our hearts and divide us from others?

Photo by Annie Spratt / Unsplash

(And What Jesus Says to Do About It)

It's 2019, and a Dallas courtroom is about to witness something... strange... unique... surprising? Amber Guyger, a police officer, had just been sentenced for shooting and killing Botham Jean in his own apartment.

Then Botham's little brother, Brandt, did something nobody saw coming.

He stood up, looked his brother's killer in the eye, and said, "I forgive you. I don't even want you to go to jail. I want the best for you because I know that's exactly what Botham would want." Then he asked if he could hug her.

For some, this led to a good ol' fashioned ugly cry.

For others, outrage.

While some people called it beautiful, others were furious. Some saw the gospel in action; others worried it was problematic. The whole thing sparked heated debates about justice, forgiveness, and whether that kind of grace was even healthy.

Jesus Drops a Truth Bomb

Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount, as recorded by Matthew, turn to the topic of murder. It's the first of several examples or case studies that Jesus gives following his words about filling the Law and Prophets full with purpose and meaning.

But he's not just rehashing the "don't kill people" commandment everyone already knew. Nope. Jesus goes deeper.

"You've heard it said, 'Don't murder.' But I'm telling you—anyone who's angry with their brother is guilty of murder."

Wait...what?

Did Jesus just compare my road rage to actual murder?

Jesus isn't being dramatic here (although he certainly got people's attention, didn't he). He's showing us something really important--

Murder doesn't just happen out of nowhere. It starts somewhere. And that somewhere is anger that we allow to grow, fester, and turn toxic.

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The Insult Escalation

It goes something like this:

Step 1: Someone cuts you off in traffic (irritation)
Step 2: You start imagining what you'd like to say to them (anger)
Step 3: You spend the next 20 minutes creating elaborate scenarios where you tell them exactly what you think (harbored anger)
Step 4: You start seeing them as "that idiot" instead of a person (dehumanization)

See the progression? Jesus is saying, "Hey, if you trace murder back to its roots, you'll find anger that's been allowed to grow unchecked."

Anger escalates. First, we're mad. Then we attack their intelligence. Then we attack their character. Each step makes the other person less human to us.

And that's exactly how we get from anger to violence.

Then Jesus says something almost sacrilegious. Imagine you're at church, Jesus might say to us, and you're ready to worship. You've had a good morning, you go to church on time, and you've already written your tithe check.

Then—uh oh. The Holy Spirit taps you on the shoulder.

"Hey, remember that fight you had with your brother last week? The one where you haven't talked since? Yeah, that one."

"Stop," Jesus says. "Leave your gift right there at the altar. Go fix that relationship first. Then come back and worship."

This would have been SHOCKING to Jesus's audience. Temple worship was the ultimate religious act. But Jesus is reminding us that we can't authentically worship a God of reconciliation while refusing to reconcile with others.

Ouch.

The "Even When It's Not Your Fault" Clause

Here's the part that really stings: Jesus doesn't say "if you have something against your brother." He says "if your brother has something against YOU."

Translation: Even if you think you're totally in the right or you're convinced they're being unreasonable. If someone's been hurt by your actions, whether you're guilty or not, the ball is in your court. The first step is yours to take.

Uhhhhhh...

This goes against everything in us that wants to justify ourselves and wait for the other person to make the first move. But Jesus is painting a picture of Kingdom community—people who take responsibility for healing relationships instead of standing on their rights.

The Lawsuit Parable (Or: Why Waiting Makes Everything Worse)

Jesus wraps up with what sounds like legal advice: "Settle with your opponent quickly, while you're still on the way to court."

But this isn't really about lawsuits. It's about the urgency of reconciliation.

Picture this progression:

Stage 1: You have a disagreement (could be solved with a conversation)
Stage 2: Positions harden (now you need a mediator)
Stage 3: Lawyers get involved (expensive and messy)
Stage 4: Court ruling (somebody wins, somebody loses, relationship is toast)

Jesus is saying: Handle this at Stage 1. Because every day you wait, every step deeper into the conflict you go, resolution gets harder and more expensive.

We've all seen this happen, right? A small misunderstanding becomes a huge fight because nobody wanted to be the first to say "I'm sorry."

But wait...isn't anger sometimes justified?

Absolutely. Jesus got angry at injustice. God gets angry at sin. But there's a difference between righteous anger that motivates us to action and personal anger that we nurse and let grow toxic.

The Greek word Jesus uses here suggests ongoing, harbored anger—the kind we feed and cultivate until it becomes bitterness.

But wait...what if they don't want to reconcile?

Jesus puts the responsibility on us to make the attempt. We can't control their response, but we can control our approach. Sometimes reconciliation looks like boundaries. Sometimes it looks like forgiveness without relationship restoration. But it always starts with us taking the first step.

But wait...doesn't this let toxic people off the hook?

Not at all. Reconciliation doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It means approaching conflict with a heart toward healing rather than winning. Sometimes love means confronting harmful behavior. Sometimes it means walking away. But it never means harboring anger or seeking revenge.

The Gospel Connection

Here's the thing—none of this is possible on our own. The same Jesus who commands us to reconcile is the one who makes reconciliation possible.

Through his death and resurrection, Jesus reconciled us to God. He took our anger, our sin, our brokenness, and nailed it to the cross. He chose reconciliation over revenge, love over being right.

And now he says: "Go and do likewise."

We can love because he first loved us. We can forgive because we've been forgiven. We can take the first step because he took the first step toward us.

The Bottom Line

Jesus' teaching on anger and reconciliation isn't easy. It challenges our natural instincts and cultural assumptions. It asks us to value relationships over being right, to take initiative even when we feel wronged, and to prioritize peace over personal vindication.

But it's also the pathway to the abundant life Jesus promises—life lived in right relationship with God and others.

Jesus offers us a better way—the way of the Kingdom, where hearts are healed and relationships are restored.

It might mean eating some crow. It might mean swallowing your pride. It might mean having some really awkward conversations.

But it also might mean experiencing the kind of reconciliation that breaks the internet—and changes the world.

The altar is waiting. But reconciliation comes first.

Reflection Questions

1. What anger are you currently carrying? Take a moment to honestly examine your heart. Is there someone you've been avoiding, a grudge you've been nursing, or a conflict you've been replaying in your mind? What would it look like to bring that anger into the light?

2. When have you prioritized being "right" over being loving? Think about a recent conflict or disagreement. Did you focus more on proving your point or preserving the relationship? What drove that choice, and how did it turn out?

3. What's stopping you from taking the first step? If there's a relationship that needs repair, what's holding you back from reaching out? Is it pride, fear of rejection, or feeling like "they should apologize first"? How might Jesus' example challenge those hesitations?

Application Questions

1. Who is one person you need to reach out to this week? Based on your reflection, identify one specific relationship that needs attention. What's the smallest first step you could take—a text, a call, or a face-to-face conversation?

2. What "altar" do you need to leave behind? Is there some activity, routine, or commitment that you're using to avoid a difficult conversation? What would it look like to pause that and prioritize reconciliation instead?

3. How will you practice "preventive peacemaking" going forward? What's one practical change you can make to address small conflicts before they become big problems? This might be better communication habits, regular check-ins with family/friends, or learning conflict resolution skills.

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